Can I take any more?

How does one person process multiple issues, all so deep and painful, all in one moment? In so many ways my biggest fears have been realized. I was told I was like my mom today, not the good characteristics, but the cruel and mean characteristics. My largest fear was to be like her in the way that was described to me - and here I am living out that fear.

I also learned my dad is going to ask his girlfriend to marry him. On top of that my 8 year old daughter has been crying for 2 hours because she doesn't want another grandma - she wants grandma Judie back to play with. This is ripping out my heart.

I told my dad that I'm not sure what to think about this, and he became very frustrated and defensive and I had to literally hang up on him for the first time in my entire life. I have never had this much turmoil with my dad in my life.

I also had another first. I have been so stressed out that I skipped my period for the first time since 5th grade! I have only been late 2 other times - and it's called, baby #1 and baby #2. I guess the worst is that I have no friends with skin on near me. I don't know what is going on there, and have been trying to wrap my head around that also. I am so very beyond wanting to deal with another thing today!

Light at the end of the tunnel

I spent 2 hours talking with my dad last Friday. I learned that my parents had basically divorced emotionally over 10 years ago. It is very hard to wrap my head around this and realize that the facade they put on was not true. I want my dad to be happy. I'm still processing all of this, but at least feel like I've left the "depths of despair" as Anne of Green Gables called it.

Expectations

We live life with expectations. As Americans we really can't help it. We expect our fast food fast, and our microwaved food to taste like home made! We expect our children to accomplish great things and to succeed in life. We expect our paycheck on time, hair color to last longer than 8 weeks, and our foundation to cover all our imperfections. I expected my dad to love my mom more than he did. I could not date 5 weeks after losing my husband, and I guess I expected him to feel the same.

It all comes down to expectations.

revelation

I feel that sometimes we live life with rose colored glasses that disable us from feeling the pain we know is so evident. I am guilty of that. I see now that in many ways I lived in a parallel universe to what was reality with my family. I thought we were all so close. But we were not. I learned of some very disturbing information today which my aunt told me. My mother confided in her about some very terrible things and had sworn her to secrecy. But now with my mother dead, she was able to talk to me and confide now in me what has weighed her soul for so long. I now know for fact that my father did not genuinely love my mom and resented her for her disability. My daughter is 8. When I told her grandma had died, she started crying and said, "I wasn't done playing with her yet!". I miss my mom.

Lost

I turn to this blog, grateful that I created it a few days ago. My world is spinning out of control and I just want to get off. I learned of some extremely disturbing news yesterday. I will back up to preface it.

My dh and I went to North Dakota last week for his parents 50th wedding anniversary. Since my mom and dad were planning on coming since last year, my dad rode with us as it was only him now.

Well, my dad started talking with my mother-in-law's friend...a little too much. It was pretty evident that they were really hitting it off. But when she started talking about how she felt she was ready to remarry...well, lets just say that was way more than I could handle mere weeks after my mom's death. I guess that isn't entirely true. I was not upset at her saying that - though I formed a opinion that this was a desperate old lady seeing an eligible bachelor and wanting to stake claim. I was actually upset at my dad for not being the gentleman and explaining that his wife just passed and he didn't care for her advances. His response was actually quite the opposite.

What I found out yesterday is that he is driving to the twin cities to meet up with her. She is visiting her son in Minneapolis, and he has made plans to go meet her. Now, I guess that at first I felt that he was just losing his mind. I could excuse extreme grief and loneliness. But what followed is really what placed the last nail through my bewildered mind.

Once I found out about it (which happened to be in the middle of a family 4th of July cookout) I literally got up and walked away and left. I told my husband I couldn't be here. I excused myself with my family quietly and left.

After I left my husband said that my dad told everyone he had found a lady friend and was going to meet her in the cities. My family was delighted. Happy for him. Thought it was really "neat" he had found someone to talk to.

I think I could grasp this had my mother been a terrible mom. But my mom was a mom to everyone she met. She was kind and literally never said a negative word about or to anyone. I'm not writing this through rose colored glasses either. She had over 400 people attend her wake and they all said the same thing. She was a lovely person. They had struggles in their marriage, but growing up in the middle of it, I can quite confidently say that it was 90% my dad's problem. He held unforgiveness like a child holds their blanket. And that unforgiveness constantly puked itself all over my mom.

I don't have any conclusions this morning other than a few simple ones. I cannot sleep. I don't want to eat. I cannot understand my family. And my dad is lost to me.

I recently joined an online community which encourages journaling. I used to journal a lot during my tribulent adolencence, but as I grew older in life time got away from me. I often would pick up my journal and see my last entry had been 6 months ago. I look forward to capturing more time for myself and my thoughts as I journey to be a captivating woman by working through my past, embracing my present and celebrating my future.