Lost

I turn to this blog, grateful that I created it a few days ago. My world is spinning out of control and I just want to get off. I learned of some extremely disturbing news yesterday. I will back up to preface it.

My dh and I went to North Dakota last week for his parents 50th wedding anniversary. Since my mom and dad were planning on coming since last year, my dad rode with us as it was only him now.

Well, my dad started talking with my mother-in-law's friend...a little too much. It was pretty evident that they were really hitting it off. But when she started talking about how she felt she was ready to remarry...well, lets just say that was way more than I could handle mere weeks after my mom's death. I guess that isn't entirely true. I was not upset at her saying that - though I formed a opinion that this was a desperate old lady seeing an eligible bachelor and wanting to stake claim. I was actually upset at my dad for not being the gentleman and explaining that his wife just passed and he didn't care for her advances. His response was actually quite the opposite.

What I found out yesterday is that he is driving to the twin cities to meet up with her. She is visiting her son in Minneapolis, and he has made plans to go meet her. Now, I guess that at first I felt that he was just losing his mind. I could excuse extreme grief and loneliness. But what followed is really what placed the last nail through my bewildered mind.

Once I found out about it (which happened to be in the middle of a family 4th of July cookout) I literally got up and walked away and left. I told my husband I couldn't be here. I excused myself with my family quietly and left.

After I left my husband said that my dad told everyone he had found a lady friend and was going to meet her in the cities. My family was delighted. Happy for him. Thought it was really "neat" he had found someone to talk to.

I think I could grasp this had my mother been a terrible mom. But my mom was a mom to everyone she met. She was kind and literally never said a negative word about or to anyone. I'm not writing this through rose colored glasses either. She had over 400 people attend her wake and they all said the same thing. She was a lovely person. They had struggles in their marriage, but growing up in the middle of it, I can quite confidently say that it was 90% my dad's problem. He held unforgiveness like a child holds their blanket. And that unforgiveness constantly puked itself all over my mom.

I don't have any conclusions this morning other than a few simple ones. I cannot sleep. I don't want to eat. I cannot understand my family. And my dad is lost to me.